“It’s been too long since I’ve said I love You. It’s been too long since I’ve cared.”
Joe Bonamassa
In March of 2008 a very dear friend invited my wife and I to a Good Friday communion service at a local church. This turned out to be the most intimate communion I have ever experienced. The mood in the room was set by candle light and the worship team was set up in the round. As we walked into the room I could feel the intense presence of the Holy Spirit. After the worship team played several beautiful songs of love and praise to God, the pastor of the church got up and began to speak as the communion elements were being distributed throughout the room. Unlike most communions I have taken where you usually hear the story of the “Last Supper” that Christ had with his apostles before His death, the pastor told the story of the Passover Feast that was celebrated by the Israelites after their deliverance from Egypt. I knew why the Passover Feast was celebrated but had never heard all of the details of how the feast was performed and that every part of the feast pointed to Christ.
After the conclusion of the service another friend came over to me and related to me that she had been praying for me during the entire service and that she had had a vision about me. The vision that she saw was a picture of me totally surrounded by water as if I was in the middle of an ocean not able to see anything except for water that was around me. She said she saw the water getting very deep but that I would not drown.
I believed at this time that the vision she saw was what I currently experiencing in my life. In mid March that year I had injured my upper back in my lower cervical disc area and although I was seeing a chiropractor, the treatments I was receiving and over the counter medications were not helping and the pain was becoming more severe, especially at night. As the pain became more severe I had to resort to lying on ice packs until my back became numb in order to get any sleep at all and when I couldn’t sleep I would spend the night walking the floor of my living room praying and crying out to God. It was during one of these sleepless nights that I felt God speak in my spirit and tell me that I was going to walk through this experience with Him. I know a lot of Christian friends didn’t understand this when I would tell them not to pray for my healing. At this time I felt closer to God and was continually receiving revelations and understanding of His word clearer than I ever had before. I didn’t feel surrounded by water as was indicated in the vision.
At the end of June that year I had surgery to remove two discs in my neck. After four weeks of recovery my neck began to feel better than it had felt in many years, but I began to develop a very severe case of restless leg syndrome (RLS) and periodic limb movement disorder (PLMD) that disrupted my daily life as well as drastically disturbing my sleep again. I had to begin seeing a neurologist to try and resolve these issues and the drugs that I was given to take helped with the RLS and PLMD but they had a very drastic effect on me physically as well as mentally causing me to deal with daytime drowsiness, lack of concentration at on my job, mood swings, and bouts of depression. Eventually the doctor got my medicines regulated and things began to improve. Even through all of this I still did not feel like the vision of being surrounded by water had come to be.
In late December of 2008 my family went through a very emotional time with our youngest son as the relationship that he was in fell apart at Christmas time. It was very hard for me to feel all of the pain that he was living with and Christmas day was the hardest and when things began to fall apart for me. I believe this is when, unknown to me at the time, the water begin to rise. It was after this time that I wrote “Christmas is About Pain” (http://www.unto-me.blogspot.com). I’m not sure why or what began changing inside me spiritually but I knew something was different as my relationship with God began to change at this time and I didn’t really understand why.
In the first part of 2009 I began to notice the water beginning to get deeper as my prayer life and my times of Bible reading began slipping away. I think it was about this time that God showed me John 15:2 where Jesus said that every branch that bringeth forth fruit must be purged in order to bring forth more fruit. This verse gave me comfort and some understanding about what was happening in my spiritual life, but it was also around this time that I began to experience some new and different neurological problems that caused the doctor to give me some probable diagnosis’s that really scared me. My wife also began experiencing more problems with some medical issues that she had been dealing with for some time, and we began experiencing some emotional issues and major financial changes in our life. I was now starting to sense the truth of the vision as I felt totally surrounded by water and could no longer see dry land but I held on to the fact that in the vision I would not drown even though at times I had many doubts . Through all of this my wife and I were trusting in God and could see how He was alive and working in our lives, supplying all of our needs as we continued to praise Him for everything regardless of the situation.
In Isaiah 43:2(a) God said “When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee.” Even though nine months later I feel like I am still completely surrounded by the water and can’t feel the bottom yet, I can see land so I know the water is starting to recede. I am beginning to feel the Holy Spirit work through me again, something I haven’t felt in a very long time, as God has led me into some new ministries and I know eventually I will be back on dry land. What I don’t know is how much longer that will be, but as long as I continue to trust God and allow him to direct my life it doesn’t matter.
The Old Guy
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Friday, December 26, 2008
Christmas Is About Pain
This entire year God has been teaching me about pain both physically and spiritually. Physically I have learned that I can endure more pain than I thought possible. The physical pain has mostly healed because of the surgery I had, but I have learned that the spiritual pain never ends.
I helped a local church feed homeless people on Christmas Eve. It didn’t feel good. I didn’t really expect it to but I didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did. It was very overwhelming to see and feel so much pain and disappointment in one place at one time. There were a couple of men that I knew from previous missions that I have done in the past and there were a lot of other faces that I see every day walking on the streets downtown. I could feel the eyes of most cut right into my soul with judgment and mistrust. They know. Most people only do this kind of thing because they think this is their religious duty and it will fill the void in their soul. It left me feeling very empty. I know this must be my lifestyle and not something I just do periodically if I am to live Christ.
I am watching my youngest son experience a lot of pain as the relationship he was in got broken a few days before Christmas. Christmas day was especially hard. I could spiritually feel all of the pain that he was experiencing inside him. It was hard keeping all of this pain inside while being around others who couldn’t see or feel the pain. I can’t imagine the intensity of the pain that Christ feels every time I break my relationship with Him when I sin.
I have always thought, been taught and told that Christmas was supposed to be a joyous celebration and holiday. This year I have come to learn that it is really about pain. Over the years I have come to dread this time of the year. I think this is from having expectations and experiencing disappointments. As I grow older it gets a little harder every year to see how materialistic this pagan society has become, especially at this time of the year when everything you see and hear is continually telling you to buy all of these thoughtless gifts to give to people because “you love them”. Even Christians have come to claim this holiday as their own by dissecting the name of a Holy Savior out of the word Christmas and attaching it to this pagan celebration. I think this helps justify their participation in it and maybe even covers some of the guilt they feel because they know this should really be their daily lifestyle not something they do once a year.
I wonder if God felt the same pain when Jesus was born as he did when Jesus was hanging on the cross with all of the sins of the world on Him. Shepherds came to visit and worship Jesus the night He was born. Wise men came and gave expensive gifts as they bowed down to the Savoir. I wonder if the lives of those shepherds or wise men were really changed. I wonder if they only worshiped for a moment and then went on with their lives as if nothing was any different, as if just another great man was born. It must be painful for Christ to see His name used so much at this time of the year for just a short time as if this was what He came to earth for, to be worshiped for only a moment.
I want my life to be worship. Not something I do for a moment here and there but something my life says. I want my life to worship this Holy King and Savior, Jesus Christ.
As for the unending spiritual pain, I expect it will become more intense as my life becomes more worship.
From the desert
The Old Guy
I helped a local church feed homeless people on Christmas Eve. It didn’t feel good. I didn’t really expect it to but I didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did. It was very overwhelming to see and feel so much pain and disappointment in one place at one time. There were a couple of men that I knew from previous missions that I have done in the past and there were a lot of other faces that I see every day walking on the streets downtown. I could feel the eyes of most cut right into my soul with judgment and mistrust. They know. Most people only do this kind of thing because they think this is their religious duty and it will fill the void in their soul. It left me feeling very empty. I know this must be my lifestyle and not something I just do periodically if I am to live Christ.
I am watching my youngest son experience a lot of pain as the relationship he was in got broken a few days before Christmas. Christmas day was especially hard. I could spiritually feel all of the pain that he was experiencing inside him. It was hard keeping all of this pain inside while being around others who couldn’t see or feel the pain. I can’t imagine the intensity of the pain that Christ feels every time I break my relationship with Him when I sin.
I have always thought, been taught and told that Christmas was supposed to be a joyous celebration and holiday. This year I have come to learn that it is really about pain. Over the years I have come to dread this time of the year. I think this is from having expectations and experiencing disappointments. As I grow older it gets a little harder every year to see how materialistic this pagan society has become, especially at this time of the year when everything you see and hear is continually telling you to buy all of these thoughtless gifts to give to people because “you love them”. Even Christians have come to claim this holiday as their own by dissecting the name of a Holy Savior out of the word Christmas and attaching it to this pagan celebration. I think this helps justify their participation in it and maybe even covers some of the guilt they feel because they know this should really be their daily lifestyle not something they do once a year.
I wonder if God felt the same pain when Jesus was born as he did when Jesus was hanging on the cross with all of the sins of the world on Him. Shepherds came to visit and worship Jesus the night He was born. Wise men came and gave expensive gifts as they bowed down to the Savoir. I wonder if the lives of those shepherds or wise men were really changed. I wonder if they only worshiped for a moment and then went on with their lives as if nothing was any different, as if just another great man was born. It must be painful for Christ to see His name used so much at this time of the year for just a short time as if this was what He came to earth for, to be worshiped for only a moment.
I want my life to be worship. Not something I do for a moment here and there but something my life says. I want my life to worship this Holy King and Savior, Jesus Christ.
As for the unending spiritual pain, I expect it will become more intense as my life becomes more worship.
From the desert
The Old Guy
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
where are you at ?
I am not sure where I am any more.
I am still sure about God though.
No one or nothing can change that.
I know God is continuing to move my heart
To a place where I can be most useful for His glory.
It is a painfully long and slow process.
This is probably due to my inability
To let go of myself.
It’s not that I am unwilling to let go,
It’s just that I’m not sure how much I can let go
And still keep my sanity.
This is not what I had in mind
When I accepted His gift.
I just wanted to be a good Christian.
Go to church.
Pray.
Read my Bible.
Do good things.
Go to heaven when I die.
It all looked so easy from the outside.
Then it became so much more than all that.
When I started to pray
And read my Bible
It all began to look very different.
It’s not easy any more,
But my decision has been made,
I am a disciple of Christ
And I will not turn back.
the old guy
I am still sure about God though.
No one or nothing can change that.
I know God is continuing to move my heart
To a place where I can be most useful for His glory.
It is a painfully long and slow process.
This is probably due to my inability
To let go of myself.
It’s not that I am unwilling to let go,
It’s just that I’m not sure how much I can let go
And still keep my sanity.
This is not what I had in mind
When I accepted His gift.
I just wanted to be a good Christian.
Go to church.
Pray.
Read my Bible.
Do good things.
Go to heaven when I die.
It all looked so easy from the outside.
Then it became so much more than all that.
When I started to pray
And read my Bible
It all began to look very different.
It’s not easy any more,
But my decision has been made,
I am a disciple of Christ
And I will not turn back.
the old guy
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
O, me of little faith...
28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
29"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, is "why did you doubt?"
32And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."
Matthew 14:28-33
It’s ridiculous how much this exchange exemplifies my spiritual life. Whereas most people read this passage and see Christ’s commenting on the disciples’ faith immediately before doing something miraculous and conclude that faith precludes the miraculous, I can’t help but read this and see their lack of faith as the need for the miraculous.
As I understand it, faith is nothing more than taking the absurd side in the debate between what can be seen, touched, and tasted and what cannot. To my understanding the primary question of faith is not what do I believe an omnipotent God will do for me? But rather, how should my belief in God effect how I live my life today and hereafter? For the disciples in this instance, the issue is not that they were in physical danger, but that their imminent physical danger shaped their reality and desires. I used to read this passage and take it to mean that God will “calm my storms” so to speak, when now I think more that God would have me see that my “storms” are temporal and largely irrelevant. I don’t think Christ was saying “You of little faith, don’t you know that I’ll keep you from danger”…I think He was saying “You of little faith, don’t you know that even if you drown in this lake, you’ll only been ushered into the reality of the supernatural?”…I think His point was that their lack of faith was evident in that the base reality that informed their thoughts and opinions was rooted in this life and their fear of losing it, the obvious contrast being that faith is one’s reality being based in the existence of God and the fear of missing Him…
This, I think, is the great battle that is manifested in all aspects of Christianity. For example, the Bible says don’t fornicate, but I really, really like women and really, really want to. At this, the battle is set between the spiritual reality of honoring God and the physical reality of sexual gratification. Or even further, how about an example of a “grey” area like alcohol…I know for a lot of Christians drinking alcohol is inherently sinful…I do not believe so, but the more I think about it, I realize that a life of faith should not be based in what is allowable in the physical but what is essential in the spiritual…So, does that mean that I should never consume alcohol (something I thoroughly enjoy) as it bares no measurable spiritual value, or that I should only consume it to the extent that it does not re-center my reality on the pleasures of this life?...Is a life of faith one that forgoes the “fun” things in this life for the sake of the next, or one that merely tempers them so as not to allow for distraction?
At this point in my thought process, I always come to frustration as I realize that any discussion of what is allowable serves as nothing more than an indictment for my own lack of faith. At this point I realize that my focus on establishing what physical pleasures I’m allowed is proof that my heart is far from being rightly focused on the ultimate pleasures found in peace with the God who allows them…
“Lord, if it’s you,” Matthew replied, “tell me to come to you on my faith.”
“Come,” he said
Then Matthew got down out of his comfort, walked in his faith and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the battle that his faith had begun, he was offended and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”…
O, me of little faith.
Zeius
29"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, is "why did you doubt?"
32And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."
Matthew 14:28-33
It’s ridiculous how much this exchange exemplifies my spiritual life. Whereas most people read this passage and see Christ’s commenting on the disciples’ faith immediately before doing something miraculous and conclude that faith precludes the miraculous, I can’t help but read this and see their lack of faith as the need for the miraculous.
As I understand it, faith is nothing more than taking the absurd side in the debate between what can be seen, touched, and tasted and what cannot. To my understanding the primary question of faith is not what do I believe an omnipotent God will do for me? But rather, how should my belief in God effect how I live my life today and hereafter? For the disciples in this instance, the issue is not that they were in physical danger, but that their imminent physical danger shaped their reality and desires. I used to read this passage and take it to mean that God will “calm my storms” so to speak, when now I think more that God would have me see that my “storms” are temporal and largely irrelevant. I don’t think Christ was saying “You of little faith, don’t you know that I’ll keep you from danger”…I think He was saying “You of little faith, don’t you know that even if you drown in this lake, you’ll only been ushered into the reality of the supernatural?”…I think His point was that their lack of faith was evident in that the base reality that informed their thoughts and opinions was rooted in this life and their fear of losing it, the obvious contrast being that faith is one’s reality being based in the existence of God and the fear of missing Him…
This, I think, is the great battle that is manifested in all aspects of Christianity. For example, the Bible says don’t fornicate, but I really, really like women and really, really want to. At this, the battle is set between the spiritual reality of honoring God and the physical reality of sexual gratification. Or even further, how about an example of a “grey” area like alcohol…I know for a lot of Christians drinking alcohol is inherently sinful…I do not believe so, but the more I think about it, I realize that a life of faith should not be based in what is allowable in the physical but what is essential in the spiritual…So, does that mean that I should never consume alcohol (something I thoroughly enjoy) as it bares no measurable spiritual value, or that I should only consume it to the extent that it does not re-center my reality on the pleasures of this life?...Is a life of faith one that forgoes the “fun” things in this life for the sake of the next, or one that merely tempers them so as not to allow for distraction?
At this point in my thought process, I always come to frustration as I realize that any discussion of what is allowable serves as nothing more than an indictment for my own lack of faith. At this point I realize that my focus on establishing what physical pleasures I’m allowed is proof that my heart is far from being rightly focused on the ultimate pleasures found in peace with the God who allows them…
“Lord, if it’s you,” Matthew replied, “tell me to come to you on my faith.”
“Come,” he said
Then Matthew got down out of his comfort, walked in his faith and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the battle that his faith had begun, he was offended and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”…
O, me of little faith.
Zeius
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
How Long Oh God
For days as I drove through town going to and from work,
I felt as though I was looking, watching, or
Waiting for something or some one.
Is this what watching & waiting for the return of the
Is this what watching & waiting for the return of the
Lord Jesus Christ is supposed to feel like?
Is that what I am feeling?
How Long Oh God
I will be here as long as You desire.
I long for You Father.
I want to feel You, taste You, touch You,
Is that what I am feeling?
How Long Oh God
I will be here as long as You desire.
I long for You Father.
I want to feel You, taste You, touch You,
See into Your eyes…..deep into Your eyes.
I want to know Your heart. I want You to use me.
Replace my thoughts with Your thoughts.
Surround me with Your presence
Replace my thoughts with Your thoughts.
Surround me with Your presence
So that others may not see me
But will come to know You.
I want others to know that I am Yours by
I want others to know that I am Yours by
Your presence on me & in me
I hunger for You Lord, thirst for You,
I hunger for You Lord, thirst for You,
Desire You, want You more & more & more.
Give me a deeper longing for You Father,
Give me a deeper longing for You Father,
A stronger desire to hear You, to do Your will,
To be used by You.
Pour Yourself out through me.
Pour Yourself out through me.
Use me.
from the desert
the old guy
Thursday, March 27, 2008
The Eyes of Jesus
And the Lord turned and looked upon Peter. And Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how He had said to him, “Before the cock crows, you will deny me three times.” And Peter went out and wept bitterly. (Lk. 22:61-62)
Many times have there been that I have felt these eyes, these eyes which penetrate to the deepest part of my soul. Peter had told Jesus that he was ready to go with Him to prison and to death. A few hours later, after Jesus was arrested, Peter publicly denied knowing Jesus three separate times. As the words, “I do not know this man”, came out of Peter’s mouth the third time, he felt these eyes. Many times I, like Peter, have vowed to stand with Jesus through anything, only to later deny Him through my words or actions.
These eyes caused Peter to go and weep bitterly in repentance of what he had done. This is not because these eyes say “How could you?” or “I told you so!” These eyes do not display anger or condemnation. These eyes that burn so deep into me simply say “I love you.” The only thing I can do, when Jesus looks upon the deepest part of my soul with these eyes that say “I love you”, is to repent.
out in the desert,
The Old Guy
Many times have there been that I have felt these eyes, these eyes which penetrate to the deepest part of my soul. Peter had told Jesus that he was ready to go with Him to prison and to death. A few hours later, after Jesus was arrested, Peter publicly denied knowing Jesus three separate times. As the words, “I do not know this man”, came out of Peter’s mouth the third time, he felt these eyes. Many times I, like Peter, have vowed to stand with Jesus through anything, only to later deny Him through my words or actions.
These eyes caused Peter to go and weep bitterly in repentance of what he had done. This is not because these eyes say “How could you?” or “I told you so!” These eyes do not display anger or condemnation. These eyes that burn so deep into me simply say “I love you.” The only thing I can do, when Jesus looks upon the deepest part of my soul with these eyes that say “I love you”, is to repent.
out in the desert,
The Old Guy
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Who is this man called Jesus?
Jesus once asked His closest disciples, His apostles, "Who are people saying that I am?" The answers that Jesus got from His apostles were as varied as the answers that people give today if asked the very same question, "Some say John the Baptist, others say Elijah or Jeremiah, and some say just a prophet or a good teacher." None of these answers are right. But then the answer to this question is not crucial to your salvation.
The next question that Jesus asked is very crucial though. Jesus asked, "Who do YOU say that I am?" His apostle Peter answered Him very quickly stating, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." Even though this is the correct answer, simply knowing the correct answer is not what makes this question so important. What is important is how you arrive at the correct answer.
Jesus told Peter, "Blessed are you Peter because you know this, not because any man has told you the correct answer, but because My Father who is in Heaven has revealed this to you."
(Matthew 16:13-17)
I've lived long enough with man's explanation of who Jesus is. My desire and longing is to have that true revelation from the Father.
out in the desert,
The Old Guy
The next question that Jesus asked is very crucial though. Jesus asked, "Who do YOU say that I am?" His apostle Peter answered Him very quickly stating, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." Even though this is the correct answer, simply knowing the correct answer is not what makes this question so important. What is important is how you arrive at the correct answer.
Jesus told Peter, "Blessed are you Peter because you know this, not because any man has told you the correct answer, but because My Father who is in Heaven has revealed this to you."
(Matthew 16:13-17)
I've lived long enough with man's explanation of who Jesus is. My desire and longing is to have that true revelation from the Father.
out in the desert,
The Old Guy
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